Nine Lines

1. The C team
Under a new pilot program, select high school freshman in the city will be paid $20 for making a "C." So, thankfully, I'm not the only one in the city getting paid to be average.

2. Making the leap
Earlier this week, Russian prosecutors labeled an episode of "South Park" "extremist." The same authorities labeled "Hole In the Wall" "extremely stupid."

3. (See above)
The big shocker on "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles": A urinal morphed into a killer robot. Surprising, yes, but not the first time the plot for a Fox show came out of a toilet.

4. Officially dressed
The Transportation Security Administration unveiled new uniforms designed to look more like the ones police wear. I know I'll feel safer with the Village People screening my bags.

5. It's on
"The Hills" star Lauren Conrad plans to author a three-book series called "L.A. Candy." Suddenly, Britney Spears' mom has stiff competition for the Nobel Prize in Literature.

6. Couple alert
Pamela Anderson shot down rumors that she and Michael Jackson are dating. Their implants, however ...

7. Glow for it
A man in Wisconsin claims to have eaten 23,000 Big Macs. Yet he remains in great shape, and his skin is a healthy shade of "Special Sauce."

8. Busy signal
Elsewhere this week, KFC moved its secret recipe temporarily out of safekeeping. Fortunately for the company, the nation's fat armed robbers are still preoccupied with the Wendy's Baconator.

9. So close
Lance Bass told "Access Hollywood" 'N Sync might reunite soon. Sources say it'll be a go as soon as the group convinces Justin Timberlake's hair to sign on the dotted line.